Thursday, November 30, 2006
by Marcia Millman
Part One: Escape
The story of First Love revolves around two basic themes: separating from our parents and establishing our own identity. These challenges are never totally resolved, and they affect all our love choices, but our first experience of romantic love is especially tied to our need to separate from our parents.
For example, you may choose a lover from a different world, or one your parents don't approve of, as a way of helping you move away from your parents' world and their assumptions. just asserting your sexuality and becoming intimate with someone from outside the family already moves you some distance away from the confines of your home.
Some people deal with their fears of separating by finding a parental substitute: perhaps an older or idealized figure. And others make a choice that avoids or minimizes the break: they find a partner who keeps them tied into their childhood worlds -- a person chosen by their parents or one who grew up in similar circumstances.
Separating from our parents and finding our own identity are closely intertwined because the only way to form our own identities is to question our parents' values. Growth comes from reexamining the beliefs and behaviors we grew up with. You are not exactly like your parents, and adolescence is usually the time when young people need to recognize that difference and become the person they want to be. If you don't examine the values you grew up with, you lose the opportunity to grow beyond what you were given by your parents.
If you choose a partner whose childhood was just like yours -- someone your parents might have chosen for you -- you are entering into something like an old-fashioned arranged marriage. It's possible that your parents might have chosen someone good for you -- most parents would try. And it's not necessary for you to pick someone your parents don't like in order to separate from them. But if you never question their values and assumptions, and you let them decide (directly or indirectly) who your partner will be, you are passing up the opportunity to grow and develop your own identity.
In our culture, which stresses individual freedom, an adolescent is expected to "find" his or her own identity as part of maturing. But some adolescents find this frightening, and many others are inhibited or made to feel guilty by parents who never gave them permission to grow away.
Permission to Separate
By permission I mean that parents must allow their children to become independent and different, and eventually to have a life that does not have their parents at the center of it. It's painful for most parents to see their babies finally fly away from the nest. But good parents prepare for this all along -- always letting their children separate from them when they are ready and able, always letting their children become their own persons. It happens right from the start, when the little toddler is taking her first steps -- which will eventually lead her away.
It's a delicate process, not only because it's painful for the parents, but also because the child has mixed feelings about separating as well. But parents who don't allow their children to separate are giving them the following message: "Your independence from me and your happiness being away from me, or with somebody else, hurts me and does me harm." This is not the kind of message that encourages a child to be happy.
If your parents didn't give you permission to separate, you must find someone else -- a peer or a parental surrogate -- who will help you feel that leaving them is allowed.
The Continuous Self
All of this enters into the equation when we pick our first loves or subsequent loves. And there's an additional element. One of the reasons we need love is that we need someone to share our lives. We all need someone not only to feel less alone but also because we need a sense of continuity -- the feeling that someone has been with us all of our lives and has shared our experiences. People who haven't shared their lives with someone often feel a loss of themselves, because there's no one who reflects their own existence.
In childhood, we experience that continuity by sharing our lives with our parents; in adulthood, it is usually a partner who fills those needs, although it may also be friends or relatives. This is why people who don't have partners often have a harder time recovering from the death of their parents. When their parents die, they have lost the people who remembered them all their lives.
Finally, a first lover and later loves help us to solidify our identities after childhood because it is now they who reflect our existence -- apart from our parents -- they are the ones who confirm what we have experienced. When adolescents have a hard time breaking away from overpowering parents, they often fall in love with someone "unsuitable" from their parents' point of view, because they need support to move offshore. Others pick someone older and more experienced, in order to feel safe making the break away from home. What they are really doing is picking a parental substitute -- which may not be obvious to them because their lover doesn't look or act at all like their parents.
Making the Break
Breaking away from parents is played out in movies like Titanic and Dirty Dancing, and in part this is why adolescent girls watch these movies over and over. The girl is drawn to the story of a boy from the other side of the tracks who will rescue her from the control of powerful parents: a boy who will love and protect her as much as a parent would -- even sacrificing his own life so she might live.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
I want to graduate as soon as I can!
I want my last term in DLSU to be 3rd term, 2006-2007!
I want to be looking for a job in summer 2007!
So I'm striving hard not to sleep in my regular hours.
After getting back on a normal sleep pattern, I am, once again, sleeping on the wee hours of early tomorrow and hearing my celphone alarm before the sun rises.
RESULT: I'm tired and very weak.
Nanginginig na nga ang tuhod ko at mabagal maglakad..
I need some rest.
Sana pumasa na kami para tapos na!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Buksan ang sarili. Wag pigilan ang tawa.
Hatakin ang barkada.
Game kahit saan mapunta.
Bagong trip, ba't di subukan?
Sama ka, wagmagpaiwan!
Kilalanin ang kapitbahay.
Batiin ang kaaway.
Pag nadapa, bangon lang.
Pag may tumawa, bow na lang.
Kung matalo, may next time pa.
Kung mahal mo, pakita mo.
Pangarap wag bitiwan.
- Buhay Coke Project
Text from Shan..
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Hindi pa naman over as in over pero 4 weeks to go at less than 5% pa rin ang nagawa at hindi pa kami totally nakakatapos at nagsisimula...
Nakakainis din kasi hindi na talaga kami natuto.. Antagal-tagal ng oras pero anong ginawa namin nag-procrastinate.. Nagsayang ng oras..Nagpakatamad...
Good luck na lang.. Time to test our powers sana strong enough siya to fight, sana...
Pero kundi baka mag-extend kami.. Masaya rin siya in a way. Mag-aaudit ako ng lit courses sa last term ko...
Ewan, wish ko lang matapos namen...
Saturday, November 11, 2006
There you are, lounging around the football field wearing nothing but socks when suddenly the school bell rings. Surprised, you hope it's the pizza because you're starving.....for loving and are happy to see a pizza delivery person sensuously eating a popsicle. As the cheesy music begins you can't help yourself, so you let yourself be taken on the spot, amused by the size of the pizza bill that confronts you. Before you know it a car pulls up and it's the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders climbing out with arms full of beer. Being the gracious host, you suck all of them, much to their delight.The air is thick with the smell of burning stew you left on the stove as 3 people are now writhing in a pile on the hood of the car sucking. You're completely absorbed in it, never having enjoyed so many people sucking at once. Suddenly you look up and see a cop staring at you and you grin foolishly. You're caught! They join in and you pull out your badge and welcome them to the XXX-Files as the cheesy music fades out.
Think Titanic meets Drive me Crazy.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Nang ika'y makilala
Ang mundo ko'y sumigla
Maga kulay bumigla
Ibang ngiti'y gumala
Sakit di na lumala
Isip kong inabala
Tamis na alaala
Aking maling akala
'Yong puso wala sala
Aking takot nawala
Nang ika'y makilala
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I lie to myself and distract myself by doing other things but somehow its stll there. I came to think. This is one of those things that changes people's lives like bearing a baby at a young age. This is my challenge. This is a calling that wakes me up.
But the blow still hurts, maybe I can't stand up yet.
Unconsciously maybe this is what my body tells me. You can't accept the truth or You're just too afraid to know what really is going on.
Everything was just a dream. You were a phony and all that you did was a joke..
I can't sleep well, maybe I'm not well.
What Is Sexual Orientation?
Sexual Orientation is an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or
affectional attraction to another person. It is easily distinguished
from other components of sexuality including biological sex, gender
identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and the
social gender role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and
Sexual orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from
exclusive homosexuality to exclusive heterosexuality and includes
various forms of bisexuality. Bisexual persons can experience
sexual, emotional and affectional attraction to both their own sex
and the opposite sex. Persons with a homosexual orientation are
sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or as lesbian
Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it
refers to feelings and self-concept. Persons may or may not express
their sexual orientation in their behaviors.
What Causes a Person To Have a Particular Sexual Orientation?
There are numerous theories about the origins of a person's sexual
orientation; most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is
most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental,
cognitive and biological factors. In most people, sexual orientation
is shaped at an early age. There is also considerable recent
evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn
hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality.
In summary, it is important to recognize that there are probably
many reasons for a person's sexual orientation and the reasons may
be different for different people.
Is Sexual Orientation a Choice?
No, human beings can not choose to be either gay or straight. Sexual
orientation emerges for most people in early adolescence without any
prior sexual experience. Although we can choose whether to act on
our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be
a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed.
Can Therapy Change Sexual Orientation?
No. Even though most homosexuals live successful, happy lives, some
homosexual or bisexual people may seek to change their sexual
orientation through therapy, sometimes pressured by the influence of
family members or religious groups to try and do so. The reality is
that homosexuality is not an illness. It does not require treatment
and is not changeable.
However, not all gay, lesbian, and bisexual people who seek
assistance from a mental health professional want to change their
sexual orientation. Gay, lesbian, and bisexual people may seek
psychological help with the coming out process or for strategies to
deal with prejudice, but most go into therapy for the same reasons
and life issues that bring straight people to mental health
What About So-Called "Conversion Therapies"?
Some therapists who undertake so-called conversion therapy report
that they have been able to change their clients' sexual orientation
from homosexual to heterosexual. Close scrutiny of these reports
however show several factors that cast doubt on their claims. For
example, many of the claims come from organizations with an
ideological perspective which condemns homosexuality. Furthermore,
their claims are poorly documented. For example, treatment outcome
is not followed and reported overtime as would be the standard to
test the validity of any mental health intervention.
The American Psychological Association is concerned about such
therapies and their potential harm to patients. In 1997, the
Association's Council of Representatives passed a resolution
reaffirming psychology's opposition to homophobia in treatment and
spelling out a client's right to unbiased treatment and self-
determination. Any person who enters into therapy to deal with
issues of sexual orientation has a right to expect that such therapy
would take place in a professionally neutral environment absent of
any social bias.
Is Homosexuality a Mental Illness or Emotional Problem?
No. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health
professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, mental
disorder or an emotional problem. Over 35 years of objective, well-
designed scientific research has shown that homosexuality, in and
itself,is not associated with mental disorders or emotional or
social problems. Homosexuality was once thought to be a mental
illness because mental health professionals and society had biased
information. In the past the studies of gay, lesbian and bisexual
people involved only those in therapy, thus biasing the resulting
conclusions. When researchers examined data about these people who
were not in therapy, the idea that homosexuality was a mental
illness was quickly found to be untrue.
In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association confirmed the
importance of the new, better designed research and removed
homosexuality from the official manual that lists mental and
emotional disorders. Two years later, the American Psychological
Association passed a resolution supporting the removal. For more
than 25 years, both associations have urged all mental health
professionals to help dispel the stigma of mental illness that some
people still associate with homosexual orientation.
Can Lesbians, Gay Men, and Bisexuals Be Good Parents?
Yes. Studies comparing groups of children raised by homosexual and
by heterosexual parents find no developmental differences between
the two groups of children in four critical areas: their
intelligence, psychological adjustment, social adjustment, and
popularity with friends. It is also important to realize that a
parent's sexual orientation does not dictate his or her children's.
Another myth about homosexuality is the mistaken belief that gay men
have more of a tendency than heterosexual men to sexually molest
children. There is no evidence to suggest that homosexuals are more
likely than heterosexuals to molest children.
Why Do Some Gay Men, Lesbians and Bisexuals Tell People About Their
Because sharing that aspect of themselves with others is important
to their mental health. In fact, the process of identity development
for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals called "coming out", has been
found to be strongly related to psychological adjustment—the more
positive the gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, the better one's
mental health and the higher one's self-esteem.
Why Is the "Coming Out" Process Difficult for Some Gay, Lesbian and
For some gay and bisexual people the coming out process is
difficult, for others it is not. Often lesbian, gay and bisexual
people feel afraid, different, and alone when they first realize
that their sexual orientation is different from the community norm.
This is particularly true for people becoming aware of their gay,
lesbian, or bisexual orientation as a child or adolescent, which is
not uncommon. And, depending on their families and where they live,
they may have to struggle against prejudice and misinformation about
homosexuality. Children and adolescents may be particularly
vulnerable to the deleterious effects of bias and stereotypes. They
may also fear being rejected by family, friends,co-workers, and
religious institutions. Some gay people have to worry about losing
their jobs or being harassed at school if their sexual orientation
became well known. Unfortunately, gay, lesbian and bisexual people
are at a higher risk for physical assault and violence than are
heterosexuals. Studies done in California in the mid 1990s showed
that nearly one-fifth of all lesbians who took part in the study and
more than one-fourth of all gay men who participated had been the
victim of a hate crime based on their sexual orientation. In another
California study of approximately 500 young adults, half of all the
young men participating in the study admitted to some form of anti-
gay aggression from name-calling to physical violence.
What Can Be Done to Overcome the Prejudice and Discrimination the
Gay Men, Lesbians, and Bisexuals Experience?
Research has found that the people who have the most positive
attitudes toward gay men, lesbians and bisexuals are those who say
they know one or more gay, lesbian or bisexual person well—often as
a friend or co-worker. For this reason, psychologists believe
negative attitudes toward gay people as a group are prejudices that
are not grounded in actual experiences but are based on stereotypes
Furthermore, protection against violence and discrimination is very
important, just as it is for other minority groups. Some states
include violence against an individual on the basis of his or her
sexual orientation as a "hate crime" and 10 U.S. states have laws
against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Why is it Important for Society to be Better Educated About
Educating all people about sexual orientation and homosexuality is
likely to diminish anti-gay prejudice. Accurate information about
homosexuality is especially important to young people who are first
discovering and seeking to understand their sexuality—whether
homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Fears that access to such
information will make more people gay have no validity—information
about homosexuality does not make someone gay or straight.
Are All Gay and Bisexual Men HIV Infected?
No. This is a commonly held myth. In reality, the risk of exposure
to HIV is related to a person's behavior, not their sexual
orientation. What's important to remember about HIV/AIDS is it is a
preventable disease through the use of safe sex practices and by not